for a long time i felt like i had all the answers. after going through a heartbreak, getting pregnant and having a son who i practically raise alone and still manage to come out stronger and wiser, you figure you have seen it all.surely, you have gone through all the pain and hardships that one possibly has to endure. in my own naive way i figured that all i had to look forward to was a smooth sailing kind of life from then henceforth. i came to the big city,looking forward to waking up every morning laughing and smiling. i figured that the next guy i met would be the one and i would have my fairy tale with my happy ending. in my dreams, my days of worrying over bills were over, because you see in my dreams i would make loads of money in an instant and do everything i have always dreamt of. yeah in my dreams.
but you see, the reality is a whole other thing. being in the big city is like being back in class. i still have so much to learn. where i thought i had figured out everything, i jut realized that in all honesty, i know nothing. the kind of financial success that i want will take patience, will need good connections, networking and like a friend of mine said, i still need to know how to play politics. in simple terms, i am not street smart enough to get me where i want to be. and in a country like ours, being life smart makes all the difference. my friends who i hope to work with to achieve this dream, they look at me and i swear in their mind they go like "poor child".
the next guy that i met..well it turns out he is not the one and needless to say it was very brief. clearly i still have so much to learn about men,love, relationships and myself. within a matter of weeks i found myself breaking all my self made rules when it comes to relationships. these are rules that i had operated by for years; how they flew out of the window during that short period of time, am still trying to figure it out. in an attempt to make it work the first time, i think i compromised on everything i had believed in. in the process i lost my self and that is one of the reasons i wrote this post. maybe by putting it down in words and rereading it, i will see where i went wrong. now am a little bruised,hoping that distance and time will heal the pain and that maybe i will get my chatty and smiling self back. but am learning that there is no formula to love or healing after a heartbreak. you would think it gets easier but the pain is as intense as the first time you experienced it. i just have to wait it out.
i also learned that people are not always going to return the love, respect and good intentions that you may have towards them. this i think was the greatest shock of all. you think because someone is family that they have your best interest at heart. turns out that not everyone is pleased about just the fact that you exist and somehow you are in their lives. am still trying to figure this out. don't get me wrong, i have my moments where am not particularly the best person but i would never be intentionally malicious to someone. so when someone turns around and kicks you while you are on the ground and shows no qualms about it..yeah that came as a shock to me. still trying to figure that out.
after twenty five years, you would think there is not much to learn. but while in schooling they were able to turn you into a civilized human being, able to hold an intelligent conversation and observe manners depending on the occasion, little was ever taught about life. when you are done with school, you realize it was just the end of another session. the life session might be the hardest of them all to which 8-4-4 fades in comparison. how do you deal with the frustration of trying to make ends meet knowing that you got people back at home depending on you. what do you do with the pain when that person you pictured the rest of your life with just suddenly walks out of your life without as much as a good bye. who do you turn to when the doctor tells you that you got cancer and that something must be done fast. how do you deal with betrayal, loss of a loved one, disappointments and everyday struggles.
life has its wonderful moments. moments when you are so happy, everything appears in bright yellows, reds, purple and green. but life also has its dark side, when things aren't so rosy and dandy. all these i am learning, have a purpose. and its not because God is out to punish or get you, it is to make you into a wiser, stronger and more compassionate person. it is to get us to learn that we really cant do it on our own, we all need each other and most importantly we need Him. i know sometimes it gets so overwhelming that it can suck the joy and fun out of life to a point where we are afraid of enjoying the good times coz we think they wont last. but like everything else it shall pass.....and honestly the hard times make the happy times all the more fun. so am taking back my smile, my laughter and my dancing shoes....haven't danced in a long while. so whether its a happy day or a grey one...i am paying attention to this class of life.
