Came across this post on another blog and I thought I should share it. Not so much because I can relate it on so many levels but because in one way or another, we all tend to disqualify that man or woman for one reason or another. We all walk around with a list of what our perfect partner should be like. For the ladies its tall dark and handsome, driving a car, owning his own house. For the guys, well rangi ya pesa..and whatever else ya'll look for. What we never realize is that when we dismiss that person because they lacked one or two traits we think are important, we just might be throwing away our only chance at being truly happy. And just like the christian men running away from the single mother because she is not pure and all...we miss a chance to have what we have always been looking for; true love, companionship,loyalty and a chance to make a difference. Even if its just in our families. so read on....
In my interactions with single moms, specifically the never married
ones, I have found an interesting yet sad paradigm on how they view
themselves, and how other men do. I’m not sure why, probably its how our
culture has allowed us to view them, but there is a great need for us
to maybe take a second look at this woman.
See, when a woman ends up pregnant, because she really thought this was
going somewhere, or because yes they had sex, or they were reckless, or
young and foolish, or whatever, her life is never the same!
Now, the typical Kenyan scenario that unfolds is not pretty, I’ve seen it countless times, and it looks something like this.
1. She panics; and then all kind of thoughts run through her mind. Then she decides to;
2. Tell her man: and that leads to dilemma number 1 where Mr.
Prospective daddy; either accepts the responsibility and they end up
together with his support (Yay!) or he;
3. Blames her: for being reckless, or wanting to trap him, or denies
responsibility, or whatever other reason jamaaz bring up before he
4. Runs: decides the best option available is to leave her alone during
crisis as he doesn’t want to be part of this ‘situation’. Next the;
5. Woman gets to crossroads: she can either
i. Abort the baby (end of story, consequences later) or
ii. Loose it herself… give up; get on drugs, prostitution, throw her life away or…
iii. Toughen up and be an unwed mother
6. Let’s take Option 3: This means she will bring forth a baby, through
some real challenges, and I mean CHALLENGES! Rejection from family, her
parents (especially dad) cut her off, living with little or no income at
all, low self esteem, loneliness, feelings of shame, guilt, depression…
the list is endless.
Finally; After all that ugly maneno;
7. Woman learns to cope: Picks herself up, toughens up. Realizes she’d
better get her act together and stop waiting for ‘somebody’ with a
goodies pack, Gets a job or business, moves house, she looses the weight
, soon the kid is walking and looking good, she starts looking hot
again, gets her confidence back…. Then….. Wait or it…
8. MEN START HITTING ON HER! Again! Sometimes even the father brings his
prodigal self around and says his child needs his daddy. He wants to
kiss and make up! Excuse ME? Umetokezea wapi? Kiatu hii! ….
9. Now, enter the Christian brother, praying for a wife. Raba shanda! Oh
Jesus….! She meets this beautiful lady. Falls for her, then begins to
‘discover’ who she really is. Now, when most Brothers find out that she
is a single mom, well, let’s just say the enthusiasm kinda takes a
sabbatical. He closes his eyes and starts praying harder. In another
direction!
And I think this is where men need help. Especially Christian Kenyan
Men. I think we need a paradigm shift of sorts in regard to how we look
at and relate to single moms.
Could it be that by our outlook on these sisters, we could be missing
out on some of the greatest women walking the planet? Think with me
1. She’s survived just about the roughest experience that a woman can really go through, and she’s still standing!
2. She’s had to mature quickly to hack through her circumstances. She
knows the power and value of loyalty as she’s lost many ‘friends’.
3. She knows to live with very little or no money at all.
4. She doesn’t have that ‘dreamy eyed look’ approach to life that most girls have.
5. She is ready to settle down and waste no time on shenanigans. She
really is waiting to be loved and pour out her love on someone
Is it possible that our men haven’t been fathered and mentored on the
value and wealth they can both draw, and impart, in courting and
marrying these precious sisters?
My encouragement to Men would be, by accepting, unconditionally loving,
and sharing your life and love with a single mom, you will open yourself
to love, life, loyalty, emotional healing, and a journey of devotion
and wholeness like nothing else you’ve ever experienced in your life.
Ever.
I believe in seeing a woman get back on her feet. Assuring her that you
will be there, and actually being there, giving her a sense of identity
to her and her child(ren), is probably one of the most fulfilling
journeys in life any man can undertake. It probably will bring healing
in your own heart regarding issues with your own father and your
identity. The rewards are staggering at the very least, and it’s a
treasure worth digging for. Really.
I’m just thinking…..
Friday 17 August 2012
Thursday 2 August 2012
No! No! No!.....
so recently i made a very close friend..i mean they have always been there i just thought of them as an acquaintance. not that am snobbish or anything like that..we had a mutual friend so somehow you don always think you are going to be the closest of friends with the third party, know what am saying? anyway back to my new friend. he, yes its a he, is the most observant person i have ever met he still surprises me when he talks. walk into a room and within fifteen minutes he will tell you who is angry with who, who is feeling who, who hates who and who had a row with the boyfriend and then had wild make up sex. he has a gift its how i like to think of it and i intend to exploit this gift. am going to use this extra pair of eyes to take a good look at my life...from the outside. don't get me wrong, am not trying to live my life through someone else, i know better than that; but sometimes you reach a point in your life you just want to understand it all. your decisions, your mistakes, your fears and desires, the tears that you have cried and the laughter that you have shared with loved ones. there is an underlying reason for everything that we do, sometimes we identify this reason other times its not so clear.
looking back at my life i have have had hard times and made mistakes. for a long time, i blamed everything and everyone else but myself something that we are all guilty of. he took advantage of you that selfish bastard you complain to your friends, you are overloaded at work and end up cursing your boss or colleagues,your friends take you for granted you muse to yourself. but have we ever stopped to think that maybe we are the source of our misery. simple, some of us just don't know how to say NO. i know i don't and when i think back i could have prevented a lot of things with that two letter word.
we are afraid to say no because it is in our human nature to help. we want to help out our loved ones and colleagues. we are also afraid of being rude...have you ever seen the look on people's face when you say no to them, they make you feel like you are the worst person ever. other times we want to be agreeable because we want to fit in a group hence we hold back our true feelings while other times we do it because we don't want a confrontation. personally i hate question like "why wont you do it" and even worse is the resentment or tension that follows after saying no. we also don't want to miss out on opportunities. particularly if we are still trying to get ahead in life, we see everything we do as an opportunity that will finally open those doors. at the end of the day we take on more than we can handle, we have no time to do things for ourselves or just work on ourselves making us very bitter people.
the truth is, no one will hate you just because you said no to them and even if they did, they probably are just selfish only thinking of themselves. you don't have to do that job if you really cant, instead suggest someone else you know can do it. you don't want that dude making advances at you, then don't give him your number or take his gifts only to bitch about him when you are with your friends. you know that guy or girl is not good enough for you but you still go out with them because you could not say no at their invitation for a coffee or drinks and before you know it you are in too deep and scarred. we are always told of how we need to take control of our lives...i think one way of doing this is by learning to say NO. its not the easiest thing to do because at the end of the day we all just want to be liked..but it is good for us and take it from me, will save you a lot of heartache, resentment and disappointment.am learning to say NO.
looking back at my life i have have had hard times and made mistakes. for a long time, i blamed everything and everyone else but myself something that we are all guilty of. he took advantage of you that selfish bastard you complain to your friends, you are overloaded at work and end up cursing your boss or colleagues,your friends take you for granted you muse to yourself. but have we ever stopped to think that maybe we are the source of our misery. simple, some of us just don't know how to say NO. i know i don't and when i think back i could have prevented a lot of things with that two letter word.
we are afraid to say no because it is in our human nature to help. we want to help out our loved ones and colleagues. we are also afraid of being rude...have you ever seen the look on people's face when you say no to them, they make you feel like you are the worst person ever. other times we want to be agreeable because we want to fit in a group hence we hold back our true feelings while other times we do it because we don't want a confrontation. personally i hate question like "why wont you do it" and even worse is the resentment or tension that follows after saying no. we also don't want to miss out on opportunities. particularly if we are still trying to get ahead in life, we see everything we do as an opportunity that will finally open those doors. at the end of the day we take on more than we can handle, we have no time to do things for ourselves or just work on ourselves making us very bitter people.
the truth is, no one will hate you just because you said no to them and even if they did, they probably are just selfish only thinking of themselves. you don't have to do that job if you really cant, instead suggest someone else you know can do it. you don't want that dude making advances at you, then don't give him your number or take his gifts only to bitch about him when you are with your friends. you know that guy or girl is not good enough for you but you still go out with them because you could not say no at their invitation for a coffee or drinks and before you know it you are in too deep and scarred. we are always told of how we need to take control of our lives...i think one way of doing this is by learning to say NO. its not the easiest thing to do because at the end of the day we all just want to be liked..but it is good for us and take it from me, will save you a lot of heartache, resentment and disappointment.am learning to say NO.
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